I had a dream that I was looking for you. I could hear your voice. I called your name. I was in a closed off room. There was no door to get to you. I could hear you just on the other side of the wall. The wall was so thin, I could feel it move when I touched it. So I tore into it. First I ripped through plaster, then there were layers of clear plastic sheets underneath. I could see your face on the other side. I could hear you talking to me and I could see you smiling. I kept ripping away layers of plastic and calling your name. I became more and more frantic, ripping away at the wall faster and faster, I started to break a sweat, I started to cry, but I still couldn’t get to you. There was always a layer in the way.
I cried out in grief and despair. I said “If only I could reach you. If only I could talk to you again.”
It’s not to late. We’re not dead yet. There’s only a thin wall between us. I go about my days thinking I don’t miss you at all, thinking that my life is better without you. Clearly, that’s not true. I carry this hidden grief within me. I’ve even managed to hide it from myself.
The truth is, deep inside, I love you and I always will. I will never stop being your sister and you will never stop being my brother. We can either accept it, or we can die with the searing regret of knowing we wasted precious years we could have spent loving each other.
Your big sister forever,